I think most parents are coming around to seeing the
futility of participation trophies. The
apex of treating our children's egos like Faberge' eggs has to be the idea of
sports leagues not keeping score in the games because "we're all
winners". Yeah, that's a great
sentiment, but not accurate and also not a good way to prepare little Tommy or
Susie for the real world! In life, there
are times when you "lose" and how you handle that defeat will help to
define your future more than how you react when you "win".
My kids play sports, they're involved in competitions and if no one kept score it would drive me insane because I'd personally have no watermark for knowing when the game or event was OVER! Let's be honest, when you're warming a concrete stadium bench for any length of time, even when it ISN'T raining cats and dogs or below 60 degrees outside and you have to cocoon yourself in a blanket and control the chattering of your teeth so the other parents can hear their kids' names over the P.A. too, you'd like to know when the end is in sight. Right? Is it just me?!?
Back to the subject at hand! I was thinking that this inability to accept loss started with us! If any of you other parents enjoyed video games back in the day, you probably dabbled a bit in cheat codes. Those hidden gems that gave you infinite lives or allowed you to bypass difficult challenges so you could complete a frustrating game? Come on! You've done it! I STILL do it! Now, if I'm stuck somewhere in a game on a puzzle or a mystery, I'll wrack my brains for only so long before I Google it so I can move on. Why? Well, I think Captain Kirk put it the most succinctly in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan when he was explaining why he changed the rules of the Kobayashi Maru simulator to beat the no-win scenario. He simply explained, "I don't like to lose".
Well, no one likes to lose, but I would argue that learning to be a good loser also helps you to learn how to work harder, and be a more gracious winner because you remember what it was like on the other side. Even if you're one of the rare folks who always wins (or seems to) I think you are more gracious in your winning because you see how the flip side is affecting those across the competition from you in their eyes.
Is losing all that bad? Is it so terrible that you HAVE to give trophies to everyone? I don't think so. Sure, kids are going to be sad, vow to quit and never play again, toss their game controller across the room and yell. When they DO win, however, you can see the swagger in their step, the pride in their faces and you know that THEY know it was earned and that can't be replaced!
My first team experience was playing little league baseball at the tender young age of six. I played for District Five in Orchard Park New York for the Abbott 20 Club. My first year was spent sitting on the bench chewing bubble gum and hurling insults at the other team's dugout while the older kids on our team played their hearts out. We won many games and lost a few, it was great! My second year, most of those older kids had moved on up to the next age level and we saw more field time. We lost EVERY game that year! After every game, our coach, Mr. Lynch, took us out for ice cream cones at this little place I can't remember the name of on Abbott Rd. What I do remember is this huge hill in the back that we would lay down on our backs and roll down until we were sick and laughing hysterically. By the time the ice cream was gone and we were in our parents' cars on the way home, losing the game was a distant memory and we were ready for next week's practice. Funny how losing can leave someone with such fond memories, huh?
So to the readers and parents. Let your kids lose! Let them learn! Let them watch those who worked harder or who were blessed with more natural ability take the big trophy and let them feel a bit of envy. It DOES build character and we aren't doing our kids any favors by softening life's blows. Our job is supposed to be to help them THROUGH it, not to make sure it never happens!
Take care,
David
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